I’ve been married more than a decade now and I have a confession to make. I am a nagging wife. This is not something I am proud of but sometimes it’s a compulsion, an urge that I cannot ignore. It’s almost like I’m addicted to it. Yet, when I got married, I had such good intentions – I wanted to be the best wife, always supportive, always encouraging, a pillar of strength during the tough times. But life has a funny way of showing us our weaknesses and flaws, of bringing us down to earth with a thump, and wrenching those rose-tinted glasses from our eyes. And for me, the eye-opener was marriage.

No woman plans on being the stereotypical ball and chain. But it happens to the best of us. The difficulty is to get out of the rut, to not make the same mistakes over and over expecting a different result. Honestly, for me, this is still a learning process.

So why do I nag?

I realised that a lot of it had to do with my expectations – how I saw my family in the future, what I thought we would be doing, lessons we had learnt along the way, etc. Most of these expectations weren’t even voiced. I just had a long sub-conscious list, constantly running at the back of my mind. And the minute something didn’t fit this catalogue, fear would kick in, sending me into overdrive to somehow fix this, thus leading to the inevitable nagging. Most of the time, this was happening unconsciously, so neither my poor husband nor I would have a clue why we were fighting.

I remember a period in my marriage when God’s sole instruction to me every day was to keep silent and not nag. You would think that would be a fairly easy command to obey, right? Wrong! It drove me crazy not being able to tell my husband what he ought to do, how he should be doing things, what he should say, what he shouldn’t, how he should think about my feelings, how he should think about his feelings, how he should parent our daughter, how he should spend his time, what he should read, what he shouldn’t! You get the picture. Not pretty, I know. If the tables were turned and my husband constantly spoke to me like how I did, it would probably be called verbal and emotional abuse. Now that’s food for thought.

Nevertheless, obeying that command, as hard as it was, probably saved my marriage. Being silent firstly, forced me to let go of my husband. I realised I could not control him and he was not a robot to comply with my every wish and desire. He was an individual in his own right, with his own mind, not an extension of me.

Secondly, it forced me to acknowledge my fears and expectations; to realise that I was holding him up to an ideal that he would never be able to measure up to because he is human. Ruth Bell Graham (wife of the famous evangelist Billy Graham) once said something that was simple yet profound –

“It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.”

Thirdly, it forced me to get out of the way and let God in. What does that mean? When God repeatedly says “Trust Me”, He is not asking me for assistance. He means, trust Him, i.e. believe what He has promised, allow Him to bring healing and change, leave it in His capable hands – for salvation belongs to Him (not me!). This, again, is a hard lesson to learn because I usually labour under the mistaken illusion that I can help God, especially when I don’t see anything changing. However, that’s not God’s way. He loves to work with impossibilities – they’re His speciality. And my butting in was kinda ruining it.

Fourthly, it forced me to really see my husband (warts and all!) and still love and respect him, every day. I think that is what true love means – not some roses and hearts nonsense, but a choice to love and respect the man God gave me, to accept him as he is and not try to constantly change and mould him to fit my idealised version of a husband. To honour the vows I made with this man before God, to remain loyal to him during the good years and the bad, and to truly appreciate the wonderful man he is.

Trusting God with my husband has been a liberating experience. It has freed me to truly love him without trying to control him. As a wife, my job description is pretty straightforward. Again, Ruth B. Graham expresses it beautifully –

“It’s my job to love and respect Billy; it’s God’s job to make him good. God called you not to make your husband good, but to make him happy.”

Hopefully I’ll remember this the next time I feel the urge to nag!

 

Photo by Charlie Foster on Unsplash