All that morning I walked around in a haze of anger.

Regardless of the cause, I felt justified in my ire. I hugged it to myself, thinking over the words, imputing negative motives and intentions, stoking the resentment. As the antagonism built up within me, I found myself in such a tangle of fury and helpless rage that I wasn’t fit to be around.

I knew that God would only give one response to my complain list of wrongs – love. And I was not ready to hear that. I wanted wrath and vengeance – some well-deserved comeuppance perhaps.

Yet, having minimum access to modes of distraction (since one is on holiday), I was reduced to reading the only other book I had packed. Given that it is one by Amy Carmichael, perhaps I oughtn’t to have been surprised. Nevertheless, the precision of accuracy in reaching the heart of the matter astounded me. Here is what she says –

“Never, never let a root of bitterness spring up. It is a most dangerous and defiling thing. If you water that root with unkind thoughts it will bring forth poisonous fruit.”

That was that. It was like suddenly a huge STOP sign went up in my mind and everything came to a screeching halt.

I had not even realised how bitter I was about what had happened until I read that statement. I’m so grateful God speaks so clearly and unambiguously. Essentially He was reminding me that regardless of what had occurred, I had a choice about how I could respond to the situation. Would I allow myself to constantly “water the bitterness with unkind thoughts” or choose to love, remembering how often I have been in need of forgiveness myself? I could withhold grace by hardening my heart or I could intentionally allow myself to be vulnerable, knowing that it might hurt but realising that I am only where I am today because of His unmerited grace.

It is not an easy choice. But thankfully, He never expects me to manufacture feelings on my own. Once I make the choice, I can allow Him to pour His love into me. All I need to do is obey.

 

 

Photo by Zach Reiner on Unsplash