It had been a particularly trying conversation. Nothing I said seemed to help. Rather gave offence when no offence was meant. Frustrated, I googled (yes, I do things like that!) – “How to deal with passive aggression”. Most articles helpfully suggested that I avoid the perpetrator or deal with it by being direct. All very nice but neither solution was helpful cause the perpetrator cannot be avoided or ignored and telling myself to be direct is like asking for more trouble. It was how I got myself into the situation in the first place because passive aggressors do not take direct conversations very well. Sigh.

My personality is such that I cannot let an issue be – I have to talk and discuss the problem until both I and the other person in a conflict can resolve the issue. Therefore, it is frustrating if the other person is passive aggressive, because they do not want to resolve the issue. They may even have trouble identifying the issue to begin with. I, on the other hand, cannot ignore a problem – I always feel there’s an elephant in the room and I have to tiptoe around sensitive topics (most of the time I don’t even know what constitutes sensitive. Anything I say can be misconstrued and blow up in my face). Not the most pleasant or restful of environments to be in.

Finally, realising Google wasn’t helping, I went back to the one Book that has always helped me in the past (I wonder why I didn’t go there first, but that’s probably a topic for another post). Almost instantly, I found my answer.

I love that God doesn’t mince words. His perspective on this issue was so radically different that it required a complete shift in focus. Until now, I had been feeling wronged and put-upon. I was hoping for something to justify my irritation. Suddenly, in a few verses, the focus was lifted away from me and this minuscule issue to a deeper more profound one.

First, He said, “Therefore…be sober and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you...” (1 Peter 1:13*). Essentially God was saying, “Calm yourself and fix your hope on what truly matters.” I love that phrase “rest your hope”. What had I been hoping for until then? That the person would receive their just desserts? That they would experience a fraction of the discomfort they imposed on me? That they would come and apologise for their behaviour? Yes to all the above! Yet, in one fell swoop, God lifted my gaze away from my self-justification to the hope that truly satisfies, that truly brings peace and resolves conflict – Jesus.

Second, He said, “…love one another fervently with a pure heart…” (1 Peter 1:22). Essentially, He was saying what He has always said – love that difficult person. The rules don’t change just because the person is tiresome and annoying. But also, there was an element of “purity” – of loving without an agenda (whether that might be to rehabilitate that person or doing it out of a sense of martyrdom). This was love – giving without expecting anything in return.

Finally, He said, “…be submissive…not only to the good and gentle but also to the harsh…when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called because Christ also suffered for us…” (1 Peter 2:18, 20, 21). And just in case I didn’t get it the first time, He clarified it in more detail – love this person, however difficult they may be, because Jesus did it for you.

I always come away from reading the Word with such a sense of peace because though the circumstances may not have changed, my attitude has. I suddenly find myself no longer frustrated but joyful because there is no more pressure to fight for my rights or to help this person understand their negative behaviour. That is God’s job description, not mine. I have been called to something else – to love – even when others cannot understand why, when it doesn’t make sense, and isn’t the smartest move in the world – it was what Jesus did after all.

*All Bible references taken from the New King James Version.

Photo by Floris Jan-Roelof Huiskamp on Unsplash